Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Hollywood Execs Travel Back in Time, Ruin Ending of Shakespeare Play

A pair of hot, young Hollywood Executives traveled back in time to 1590 and gave Shakespeare notes on the final scene of The Two Gentlemen of Verona. The revisions have rendered the play unproduceable in any era or culture which doesn't view a woman as absolute property of the man who loves her.

"We both felt the ending needed some action. Most of the play is a bunch of talking heads on stage talking about things," said one exec, who refused to provide his name fearing recriminations against his ancestors.

"And there weren't enough turns in the story," said the other exec, who identified herself as Genius McSmarty. "People go to the movies, and the theater and want to be surprised by the ending. Like Planet of the Apes or Orphan."

The play's original ending has now been lost to audiences and readers alike due to the instantaneous revision of the last 400 plus years of history as a result of this irresponsible tinkering with the space-time continuum.

The play now ends with Proteus nearly raping Sylvia, the love interest of his best friend, Valentine. Valentine interrupts the violence, Proteus apologizes profusely. Valentine accepts the apology and then very bizarrely offers Sylvia to Proteus as a token of their friendship. Proteus refuses the offer and when his ex-lover, Julia, pulls off her wig and reveals that she is not a boy, Valentine unites Proteus and Julia and takes Sylvia for his own. This all happens in approximately 40 lines of the script.

"Sex, danger and a happy ending. This'll be a great late-summer release," the mystery exec said, referring to their plans to adapt Two Gentlemen into a major motion picture.

They purchased the movie rights to the play from Master Shakespeare for an unprecedented ten pounds, threepence.

"We both knew we wanted to do a modern version of a Shakespearean Play, like setting it in a high school or fraternity row, but all the good Shakespearean plays have already been re-done. We needed something virgin," Genius McSmarty said.

Shakespeare was an easy target because he had no Agent, Manager or other legal representative and needed the ten pounds threepence to see a Doctor for a possible case of Syphilis.

"Shakespeare was resistant to the changes, but we explained where the real power is in this business, and he rolled over. Creative always thinks they know the best way to tell their stories. They have to learn best does not always mean best."

The two execs denied that they wrote the changes themselves. "Not that we couldn't have. I'm familiar with Robert McKee's screenwriting method. I haven't read his book, but I did see Adaptation and that scene he was in inspired the notes we gave Shakespeare," Genius McSmarty said with a satisfied smile.

The Two Gentlemen of Alpha Kappa Nu begins filming this winter. Megan Fox is slated to play Sylvia.

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